The short answer
State law answers both questions. Nobody is in charge automatically: a court appoints someone, often called an administrator, and the law of your parent's state sets who comes first. In the examples this chapter uses, a surviving spouse comes before the children.
The same law decides who inherits. If several of you share the same place in line, you can agree on one of you to apply, or on someone else.
This chapter explains how things usually work in the United States. It is not legal, tax or financial advice, and the rules where you live may differ. Before you act on anything here, check it with one of the people named at the end of the chapter.
What to do
- Ask your family, any lawyer your parent used, and the probate court clerk whether a will exists or has been filed.
- Write down who has priority in the state where your parent lived, from the court or a lawyer.
- Talk with your siblings, if you have any, about who should apply.
- Put any agreement to step aside in writing, the way the court requires.
- Apply, or support the one who does. How do I get the legal authority to act? walks through it.
What can wait
- Dividing anything, even small things. When can I hand out the inheritance? covers when that is safe.
- Arguments about who deserves what. Book 5, Siblings and the Estate, covers fairness and who gets what.
Who can help
The probate court clerk in the county where your parent lived can tell you the order of priority there, and which forms to use.
A probate lawyer can tell you who inherits under your parent's state's law, and what your options are if someone has already taken things.
If cost is a worry, Do I need a lawyer? describes free and low-cost legal help.
The rules, phone numbers and web addresses in this book were checked against the agencies’, courts’ and organizations’ own pages in October 2026. Where a rule differs by state, the book names one state as an example. Check anything you rely on with the office itself.
From Book 2: Being in Charge
This page has the short answer and the closing lists from chapter 3. The full chapter explains, in plain words, what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. The book covers months 1 to 9 after the death.
Questions near this one
Other questions on related subjects, from this book and the others.
- What if I am estranged from a parent or sibling? Book 5, Siblings and the Estate
- Who is in charge if no one was named? Book 1, The First Month
- What if my sibling and I disagree about the funeral? Book 1, The First Month
- How do I get the legal authority to act? Book 2, Being in Charge
Hear when Being in Charge is out
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