The short answer
State law decides who has the final say, and the rule differs from state to state. The funeral director can tell you your state's rule.
Before anyone needs that rule, it can help to go back to what your parent wanted, if anyone knows. It also helps to agree on one person who makes the calls with the funeral home.
This chapter explains how things usually work in the United States. It is not legal, tax or financial advice, and the rules where you live may differ. Before you act on anything here, check it with one of the people named at the end of the chapter.
What to do
- Look for written wishes: a note, a prepaid plan, a will.
- Ask the funeral director what your state's rule is.
- Write down what each of you wants, and why.
- Agree on one person to make the calls.
- Ask the funeral director what happens next, if you cannot agree.
What can wait
- Where the ashes go.
- A memorial service, or a second one.
- Who pays what share. Book 5, Siblings and the Estate, covers that, and everything else between siblings after the funeral.
Who can help
The funeral director can tell you your state's rule and what they need from the family.
A clergy member, if your family has one, or another person you all trust, can help you talk.
If someone goes to court, the probate court in the county where your parent lived, or a probate lawyer, can explain what happens next.
The rules, phone numbers and web addresses in this book were checked against the agencies’, courts’ and organizations’ own pages in October 2026. Where a rule differs by state, the book names one state as an example. Check anything you rely on with the office itself.
From Book 1: The First Month
This page has the short answer and the closing lists from chapter 9. The full chapter explains, in plain words, what exists, what to ask, and who can answer. The book covers the first month after the death.
Questions near this one
Other questions on related subjects, from this book and the others.
- What if I am estranged from a parent or sibling? Book 5, Siblings and the Estate
- What if we cannot agree about the house? Book 5, Siblings and the Estate
- How do I pay for the funeral? Book 1, The First Month
- What if one of us cared for Mom or Dad for years? Book 5, Siblings and the Estate
Hear when The First Month is out
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